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The problem with most people who call themselves sound techs is that they're not.Of the ones that really are, the really good ones have learned how to deal with and get along with all the musicians who "think" they are sound techs.
My advice for working effectively with a soundtech is to understand that if you have or find a good one, he/she is like gold. BE NICE!Also, understand that the way things sound on stage is completely different than what the FOH(front of house) mix(what the crowd hears) sounds like.If there are alot of open mics onstage(vocals, back up, mic'ed drum kit, mic'ed guitar and bass cabs, etc.)there are limits on the amount of stage volume and how much of "you" there can be in the mix. One of the biggest problems a sound tech has is the vocalist or guitarist who wants so much more of themselves in the monitor mix than anyone else.If they try to satisfy this person, everyone else will want their volumes increased so they can hear a decent mix. If this gets out of hand either the stage mix will be garbled and distorted so much no one can make out anything, there will be feedback problems or he will have to eq the monitor mix to death to control feedback, making it sound like crap.If none of these happens, you can run into a situation where the monitor mix is so loud it can actually drown out the FOH mix.This is a NIGHTMARE,and makes the p.a. impossible to control, especially in small places where he/she doesn't have the luxury to boost FOH.Before I understood just how involved a good mix can get, the few times we had a sound tech I used to get really hot when he would come onstage and start messing around with my amp. It sounded good onstage, so what was his problem?The problem was that low frequencies need a lot of volume to carry any distance.Sound also changes with distance. My amp sounded good on stage, but get back a few feet and it sounded like a chainsaw.One of the biggest things to understand about a good soundman is that he's listening to the mix as a whole, as compared to the guitar player listening to his amp, the vocalist to his vocals,the drummer and bassist grooving on each other, etc, etc.He's also hearing FOH instead of monitor mix.It's a delicate balancing act. Not everyone's going to get everything they want. Learn to compromise.If you think it's hard performing, walk a mile in a sound tech's shoes. Also, listen to your crowd, especially loyal fans that come to all your shows. They know what you sound like, as well as what's different about the way you sound.If they like the way you're sounding, the sound tech's probably doing a good job.

What you are dealing with, Heidi, is the reason I quit the band scene. I struggled with it for twenty years, but as I got older the personality clashes and power struggles took their toll.I came to a point where I actually dreaded band practice, and the joy of performance was dulled by the anticipation of "what's coming next?".I finally ended up that the thing I loved to do the most became the source of all the stress in my life. So I went solo. Best decision I ever made,although I do miss playing with a band sometimes. There's an energy there that you really can't get playing solo.But that's what jamming is for .I'm not telling you to do this, only you can decide when and if you want to. It's a big step,and it takes alot of work, but life does not end with the band. Good luck on whatever you decide to do.